On Religion...

Disclaimer: these views are strictly my own and have nothing to do with that of my family, my friends, or my upbringing.


I am extremely uncomfortable in churches. I feel very out of place and very visible, as if everyone there knows I'm not a "regular" and is silently judging me. I grew up going to church every Sunday with my family, but I always had to leave halfway through to go to gym practice, so eventually we just stopped going. Now, my time spent in churches is either for weddings or funerals, and even at those times I find it hard to listen to the service without feeling a mixture of curiosity, frustration, and insecurity.


I'm not sure if I believe there is a higher power, but I believe strongly that I live my life for me, and according to my own rules. That being said, I respect all of you that live your life for God, and attribute all of the things in your life to His workings; however, for me, that is too far fetched. 


As I've grown up I've learned to take responsibility for my actions and mistakes, and I've been proud of the things that I have in my life, because I accomplished them myself and with the help of my family and friends. I do not believe that God has a specific plan for my life, because I believe that if I want something, I have to work to get it; I can't just sit around and wait for a higher power to put a career, a family, or flawless skin into my lap.


For me to live my life according to something or someone else, I have to believe that it is 100% genuine, realistic, and accurate; furthermore, to live my life according to a Bible of some sort, there would have to be only one, and it wouldn't be subject to interpretation. How can one live their life according to words written way before our time, or a book that has so many versions that even Apple has trouble keeping up. 


I cannot pinpoint the be-all-end-all reason as to why I live my life in the "absence" of religion, but part of it has to do with the fact that I find it to be completely subjective. When I was in gymnastics, before each meet we would pray [which, for the record, I think is somewhat inappropriate considering not everyone is of the same beliefs]. At the end of the meet, if we won, it was all due to God; however, if we lost, it was our fault. According to me, if you're going to believe that a higher power is to credit for all the good in your life, then the higher power should also be credited for all of the disappointments in your life, it cannot be one or the other. If we won because of a higher power, then all of those times we lost would also be due to that higher power - maybe He didn't like us that day, or maybe the other team prayed harder, there is always a maybe. If we lost because we fell, then all those times we won would be because we performed well. Or was there no faith that we could perform well without a higher power? 


My brother was born without a left ventricle, which is a crucial part of the heart. Multiple surgeries and ten years later [on Christmas day], he had a stroke. He had a pacemaker put in and struggled to regain movement on the ride side of his body. Seven years later, he passed. He was seventeen. Did God sit and lay out this plan for him, attacking his body time and time again, letting him take one step forward and then pulling him ten steps back? How about the people that do everything "right" - they go to church, they pray, they believe, yet at the same time they have affairs, they lie, and they are not always kind to others. If I believed that everything was due to a higher power, I would have to believe that this power created rapists and murderers, animal abusers and con artists; furthermore, the excuse of a higher power forcing these people to do these things would stand up in court, and everyone would walk free.


This is a tricky subject and I'm sure this will upset some of you, but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and this blog is meant to share mine with you. In my world, I believe that we make our own choices; some end in success and some end in failure, but at the end of the day the only person we have to be able to live with is ourselves, because we cannot misinterpret our own words. 


Although it seems otherwise, I do have faith and I do believe: I believe in my family and friends and I believe in myself. I have faith that I will continue to grow as a person and learn from others, and I believe that I will conquer my hyperpigmentation from too many years of tanning. The reason I have faith and I believe, is because I'm going to make it happen [well Hyaluronic acid is going to make the latter happen, but I'm the one carefully applying it].




What you believe in, what gives you faith and enables you to take comfort in the situations you are put in is entirely up to you, as long as you believe in yourself.